Friday, April 29, 2011

My Mom Crushed My Dreams AGAIN

Good morning world of blogs, I've had a terrible morning so far. As you can tell from my last post, I have been so excited for the royal wedding for at least the past week. After all of that anticipation and excitement, my hopes were crushed. Last night I tried to stay up the entire night to watch the wedding but the last thing I remember is looking at the clock and seeing it was 10:45. But wait! I thought ahead and made some arrangements just in case. Thinking that I might not make it to the wedding, I decided to set my VCR to record it. Well, at around 7:00 this morning I woke up feeling like a kid on Christmas morning. I gleefully ran to the tv, hit rewind, then play. It was a tape I made of the Incredible Hulk in the early 80's. Knowing that I set it to record, I was absolutely livid so I naturally asked my mom if she knew what happened. She said she rolled into the den at around 11:30 to find me asleep and the TV and VCR on so she turned them off! I had already told her at supper that I was recording the wedding!!! What was she thinking? She tries to booby trap everything I do in life.

Anyway, this brings me to another point. What caused this problem (other than dementia) was TIME DIFFERENCE. Why do we even have a time difference? I know it has to do with how the sun revolves around the earth or whatever but what does it really matter? Its always a pain when planning road trips and I'm sure it sucks planning trips overseas to deal with time difference. If they would have had the wedding at 11:00 eastern then I would have been up and ready to watch. Why don't we just have one main time for the entire planet? Just think of all the problems that would solve. I say the next time its 12:00 noon eastern time we just change over the clocks of the world to that time also. I know what you're thinking and no I'm not an idiot. I realize that this would make noon on the other side of the world midnight but they would get used to it over time like everybody would. Everybody that reads this, please call your local city hall, senator, constable or whatever and ask to put this new system in place.

Princess Kate Winslet, if you every read this, know that I just saw pictures of you in your wedding gown and you were absolutely stunning. I deeply regret that I wasn't able to see you walk down the aisle live or even pre-recorded. Whenever I decide to settle down and get married, I will be looking for a wife thats as beautiful as you or maybe even more beautiful. Long Live the Queen!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Poker Night with Norm

Last night me and some of the local guys had our monthly poker night. A lot of people showed up. More than last month, that's for sure. Danny said he knew some younger college boys that loved poker and weren't very good. He invited them over in hopes we could cash in their bad play. Our plan was to take advantage of these boys and swipe all their cash.

The night started out slow. There were only 5 of us playing and then Danny showed up with those college kids he promised. There were about 10 of them. That made us 15 strong on poker players. The buy in was $45 and we played a little Texas Hold'em all night long. Since we weren't expecting such a large crowd we had to use local items as poker chips. A few of my Hershey kisses got eaten in stressful game plays. Hell, if I would have noticed I wouldn't have lost myself $8.

Around 10:30 a few of the college guy's friends that were girls showed up. That's a first for our poker night. My thoughts were "cha-ching", we'll mop floor with these girls who know nothing about poker. Boy was I fooled. They raked in so many chips in their first hour. I couldn't take it anymore because I had already bought in 3 times by 11:00. My funds were running dry so I called it quits.

When 11:30 rolled around the girls left and I bought in again for the 4th time that night. Danny wiped floor with me and I only lasted till 12:15. Overall the poker night was a lot of fun and I can't wait till next month. I'm going to win my $180 back in no time.

Jerry in the front left was getting wiped by that college kid next to him. That dummy knows nothing about poker. HAHA.

This was the second table for the night. The fools that don't know how to play get to play at the small coffee table.

Poker girls. It was so hard to get their picture.

Danny had some nice cards. The fool wiped floor with us.

Big dummy, James, broke his ankle last week trying to rollerblade. That fool will never learn. Also, he lost $80 to one of Danny's college kids.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Those Brits Get to Have ALL the Fun

Many people are so sick of all the coverage that royal wedding is getting lately. Not me, I love it and I'm so jealous of Britain's ability to look forward to, celebrate, and be proud of something of this magnitude. It makes me quite depressed but I still wish Prince William and Kate Winslet the best in their future endeavors. Why don't we have anything like this in the States? We need something as regal and elegant as a royal family. I don't know about the rest of you but democracy has been overrated lately. I think it would be best to start a monarchy of our own. Maybe we should use to see what American family has the most royal blood running through their veins and give them control of the country. I think having an American royal family would do a whole lot of good for our self image and the way the rest of the world views us.

Also, why in the world is the wedding airing at 3:00 in the morning here!? I can't wake up that early if I tried! Come on! Guess I'll have to tape it.

Long Live the Queen!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Duelboard with Norm

Recently my favorite new favorite place in the world, Duelboard Rook, decided it was best that I not show up for a while. They gave me a temporary break from chatting with my new friends and family in the Rook Chatbox. It wasn't a neccesary break on my part but it did do me good. I was able to find myself and do things I haven't had time for since Duelboard was occupying my daily free time. My buddy Rick and I went camping in Vermont. I also was able to trim some limbs in the yard, paint some columns on the porch, take the bags of plastic bottles to the recycling center, and clean out the dog pen. These were benificial things to me that I have been meaning to get to.

It is a very rewarding feeling to know that I am finally allowed back into the Duelboard Rook game. I can catch up with my friends and discover new things going on in their lives. Not all are so welcoming but I know deep down they really did miss me. I missed them and their funny sayings.

I love you Duelboard!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Travel with Norm

Got my ticket to Paradise today!

Flying to Myrtle Beach for the annual Duelboard Rook Tournament on May 5th - 8th. This should be a real gas. Looking forward to seeing some of my new friends I've met on the Rook chatroom. Floyd and I are going to rock that place.

My flight begins in Portland, my home. I then fly to New York where Floyd and I will catch a connecting flight to South Carolina, the home of Paradise.

Not sure what kind of car we'll be renting but I was thinking along the lines of a convertable Sebring. I'd look hot in that fine automobile.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

To Amsterdam!

Well I've had enough. Enough of my mom trying to boss me around and enough of being lonely and looking for love in all the wrong places. I've decided to unload my mom on my sister and put my savings to good use and take a trip to Europe. My first stop will be Amsterdam. I've heard it has some of the greatest sights to behold on the continent like the famous canals, the Van Gogh museum, and the Anne Franke house. If I have any extra time I may go visit London and Paris but I doubt it. I've been wanting to take a trip to the Netherlands for the past twenty years and now I'm finally going to do it. Don't worry, I plan to bring my laptop along to document the journey. Still haven't decided on an exact date yet but stay tuned!

Also, if any of our loyal readers know of any cool things to do while I'm there please comment!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

HUZZAH! Nacho Cheese Dorito TACO from Taco Bell!

Well today is a good day. Taco Bell has just announced a taco that uses a big nacho cheese Dorito as its shell. My brain can't fathom the bomb this taco is going to drop on my taste buds. Its like when chocolate met peanut butter. Whenever I get a chance to try these I will get on here and post my review. Maybe next they'll do other flavors of Doritos like Cool Ranch or Spicy Nacho. This is how this news made me feel:

Monday, April 18, 2011

Camping with Norm

This past weekend I went on a camping trip with a buddy to Vermont. The trip was to camp at the Moosalamoo campground which is due south of Burlington. It seemed like it took us forever to get there from Portland. We passed so many other places that would have been great to camp along the way. My buddy Rick said we had to go there since it's not very crowded but mainly since he had never been there.

We got there on Wednesday afternoon and set up our camp. The plan was to do a little hiking and biking for our few days. We brought 4 bikes in case we ran into a few people who wanted to bike with us. Always be prepared when venturing away from home. You never know what or who you'll run into.

Thursday we rode our bikes for good, brisk 15 mile ride. Riding the hills reminds me that I need to workout more. I was beat after riding so long. We decided to just hang out at the campsite and drink a little bit. That night was a full moon so we took a short hike to a clearing nearby to check it out and see if any other people were looking at the moon. Unfortunatly no one else was up there looking at the moon. We went back to the camp and settled in for the night. We both slept so hard that we missed the bear attack to our campsite. Friday morning when we woke up our site was trashed from a bear. The ranger said they hadn't seen a bear there in months but I know it was a bear. I took a few pictures to show that it was a bear.

Friday evening a few people joined the campground. Nothing spectacular like we were hoping for but it was good to have company. They were an older couple and kind of nerdy but they were company.

Saturday we found this lake but the water was way to cold to swim in. A few families were fishing in a canoe but other than that the lake was pretty quiet. We didn't have any fishing poles so we skipped rocks for fun. My longest skip was 6 skips and Rick got his to go 11 skips one time. Then we found some large boulder type rocks that we pushed down the hill into the lake. Those made the biggest splashes. After a while we came across an old rope swing. I dared Rick to take the plunge. He wouldn't at first but somehow we came to the bet of him doing it naked. That fool did it. Said it was cold as ever and would never do it again. Our night ended with us sitting around drinking with Jane and Marty, the nerdy old couple at the campground.

Sunday we drove back to Portland. Here are some of the pictures I took.

Rick wanted his picture with the Vermont sign. That fool put his helmet on to make it look like he rode his bike.

Rick's tent and stupid bike.

My tent area after the bear attack.

The fire area after the bear attack.

Marty and Jane

That fool Rick swinging into the cold lake.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Trash Talk with Donnie: Dump Bikes

Over the years I've had my share of bicycles, best I can remember it's upwards near 35 or 40. Several years ago I pulled an old woman's Schwinn 3 speed hub shift and a men's Murray 3 speed hub shift out of the dump. Score! The tires even still held air! Guess what I did? That's right, I welded them together and made a 10 foot long truck bike. Other than needing a parking lot sized area to turn this 3 speed beast around it rode pretty good. Check out that awesome stake side bed on the back. Later I came across this little gem in the same dump, a 1970s Nashbar Toure Alpha 5000 10 speed road bike. The only problem with it was it was missing pedals and the tires didn't hold air. This bike was made in Japan and seemed to be pretty well made.I sold the two bikes above, and a bucket of rusty chains, bent pedals, torn seats, and several worn cranks for $60! The guy that picked this crap up showed up in a Honda Element, wearing earrings and all black clothes. Much to my surprise that little fella managed to get that long bike in that little rice burner and close the doors!

Picked: $0
Sold: $60
Profit: $60

Also picked out of the dump (a different dump than where the other bikes came from) was this rare John Deere men's 3 speed. This bike's crank, wheels, and hub were shot. I managed to locate a period correct woman's Raleigh bike for $15 that had the desirable Sturmey Archer hub and swapped everything from it to the John Deere. A guy drove 3 hours one way to come pick this hunk of junk up, and paid me $45 to boot!Picked: $0
Sold: $45
Profit: $30

Sketches with Floyd: Have You Seen Her? Tell Me, Have You Seen Her?

I took a short trip to Coney Island this past weekend. While I was sitting on a bench enjoying a Nathan's Famous hotdog, an absolute goddess jogged up to the railing in front of me and stopped to stretch. I almost choked on the hotdog, I was speechless. I even got up, walked up to her but couldn't get words to come out of my mouth. She laughed slightly, smiled, then jogged away and out of my life. My question is, have you seen this woman? My sketch of her can be seen above. She had big beautiful green eyes, dirty blonde hair, a beauty mark on the left side of her chin, pony tail, hoop earrings, and an amazing light blue sports bra. When I lost sight of her, she was jogging east on Surf Avenue towards Sea Breeze Avenue.

Help please. My heart hasn't beaten so hard since I met my ex-wife. If you have any information please comment. Thanks!!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Pet Care with Norm

Let me begin my post by saying that I Love Animals. As a child I grew up with dogs, cats, rabbits, horses, sheep, cows, and all kinds of other animals. It was like we lived on a farm. My family had a lot of land in the south so we were able to have a good many pets. I like to the think the town people called us Noah's Ark.

Being the animal lover I am I have always wanted my kids to be around animals. It was easy to start getting each of them a dog. The problem was that in the beginning due to some financial reasons I was unable to provide enough living space for each dog. I did enjoy having some of the dogs living indoors but I needed to put my foot down and make them all outside pets. This is when I had to purchase a small pen for our small yard. Being new to fencing dogs in I wasn't sure how many dogs I could keep inside a 5 x 5 pen. It didn't last long because I eventually was able to get back on my feet financially and move onto bigger and better places.

This is when the problem of keeping them all the dogs from breeding began to be an issue. It was great having the kids see a few of the dogs raise puppies but this couldn't go on forever. Neutering seemed to be the best way to keep this issue under control. I was able to get a great deal at the local vet for having so many dogs to neuter. It was almost like a 2 for 1 type of deal. All the neutering went well except for Harper, the black lab. He would not leave the stitches alone on his wound. I was worried he'd pull them all out. When Harper was a puppy he would chew on everything and nothing would stop him till I eventually discovered his hate for jalapeno juice. His hatred for that juice is what helped me to keep him from biting at his stitches. The jalapeno juice eventually made him stop licking and biting. I was really worried about him but he pulled through just fine and is one of the few that is still with me.

Along with breeding problems, I had problems with the cats clawing everything in sight. They wouldn't quit. I had to settle this issue before we lost everything nice we owned. Unfortunately the local vet went out of business for some legal issues so I was no longer able to get the special deals I was getting in the past. The other, new improved, vet was charging way too much. It's not right to have to pay that much for a cat to be declawed. I kept telling myself that there has to be some way to declaw a cat myself. I tried numerous methods I found on the internet but nothing seemed to work. That dang cat kept clawing me and ripping my skin. Eventually I booted the cat out and gave him to some elder lady in the next neighborhood.

One of the many reasons I don't like having to be a father is the punishment of my kids. I, Santa Claus, bought them new pet birds for Christmas. They all promised Santa that they would take care of them. Like my kids usually do, they didn't take the responsibility of their new pets. I've never been much a pet person myself so I took the issue in my hands to teach my kids a lesson. The birds had to be set free as a way to show the kids that if they don't take care of pets they'll be let go. It's not the easiest thing to do as a father but it has to be done. Luckily my kids learned that lesson and took more responsibility with the dogs. It was a small price to pay but worth it in the end. It took about 5 days till I stopped seeing the birds flying around the neighborhood. Hope they're ok still.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Trash Talk with Donnie: 1963 Cushman Golfster

Hello web world wide, my name is Donnie. Floyd and Norm asked me to post about some of my interesting trash stories. Ever since I got let go at the railroad I’ve been making it by selling or scrapping anything I can get my hands on. Money can be made from almost anything if you put your mind to it. I’ll start out with my first big item. A 1963 Cushman Golfster.

One day while scrounging the local dump for stuff, I saw this interesting looking 3 wheeled golfcart over behind the garbage truck shop. Walter, the afternoon fella, told me he had been planning to fix it up and couldn’t let go of it. $50 in cash changed his mind about that. It was complete, with a non-running gas motor, and even had the rare top and windshield option. Intending on restoring it myself, I disassembled it down to the frame and engine, but never could get it to fire.
At the time my main mode of transportation was a 1968 Chevelle that I’ll post about later, and it started having carburetor issues. Needing money to get my car back on the road I decided to sell the golfcart on ebay. It sold for $675 even though it was in pieces and looked like this:

Picked: $50
Sold: $675
Profit: about $610 after dang ebay fees


Some of our rook friends on Duelboard (where the champions play) have invited Norm and I to a tournament in MYRTLE BEACH!!! Myrtle Beach was just recently voted the best beach in America in a national poll. I haven't been to a real beach since I was in my early twenties so this is going to be great! But don't worry, yours truly will be there mainly to play and take names. Friends or not, the other rook players are going down! The tournament will be from May 5th - 8th at Longbay Resort. Look at this place! Just Look at it! Looks like paradise on earth to me.

I don't know about you, Norm but I am also so excited to finally meeting many of our duelboard friends in real life. I've booked our awesome pool-view room and now all I need to do is buy my plane ticket. We need to figure out some code like a sock on the door knob to know when not to disturb, if you know what I mean! Rook friends, be on the lookout because Norm and Floyd will be there in person and we'll be there to win!

Monday, April 11, 2011

More Recent with Norm as a Man in Love

Not long ago I was a married man but now nothing will hold me down for the life I enjoy. I was a loving man and tried to help my wife when she was pregnant but my actions somehow bit me in the rear. That woman wouldn't appreciate it if a $40 rib eye hit her on the forehead for a free meal. Take for instance when she was pregnant. I wanted to take her on a nice vacation where we could relax before having the baby. To remember our trip and make something for our future son I wanted her to get a tattoo. She flipped and practically went home without me. I didn't understand that woman. No appreciation for me at all.

Later on during the pregnancy I was trying to save us some money so we could buy ourselves a nice hot tub. A hot tub would get so much use for many years. Instead she constantly wanted to spend money on maternity clothes. It wasn't a smart thing for us to be buying since I wanted a hot tub. Surely a hot tub would get more use than a month or two of maternity clothes. What's wrong with wearing a few of my over sized tshirts. I thought she looked sexy in the but she thought otherwise. I thought we were going to part ways for that suggestion.

Not long before the baby was born I had to begin putting in lots of hours helping my buddy build his man cave. Since I wasn't around the house much I had asked if my wife would mind preparing dinners and get some future dinners prepared for when she couldn't stand on her feet as long. I normally cooked and didn't mine cooking except that I was helping Herbert work on his spare room. She never did cook those meals and we all had to eat more Cracker Barrell.

Finally, the day was nearing for the baby to be born. Along with everything else, we couldn't agree on much and a baby name was one of those. She liked names like Jacob, Michael, Joshua and other horribly gay names like that. I thought they were trash but she loved them. This resulted in us never agreeing on a name. It was tough to think of ways to convince her to change it but I finally found a way to permentaly name our baby whatever I wanted. She never did like it but she finally got used to but she still threatens to change it to this day.

Disclaimer: She wasn't actually my wife we had always agreed to get married after the child. It was easier to call her my wife since we had this agreement. We eventually married for a short time.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Junk Food Review #1: Pizza Supreme Doritos

WHAZZAP everybody?! Today I am starting a new column on junk food reviews. Yours truly loves food so I figured people may enjoy what I think about different things I eat. 
Well I was in the grocery store the other day and saw Pizza Supreme Doritos and I got so excited that I almost fainted. About twenty years ago, Keebler made chips called Pizzerias. Some of you may remember. Well they were stupendous, my favorite chips of all time. Anyway, naturally I thought these chips would taste exactly the same. Let me tell you, they don't. Pizza Supreme Doritos are okay and I would eat them again but they are NO Pizzerias. Opening a bag, smelling it, and even tasting it won't bring to mind smelling or eating pizza. The crunch was good and they're okay but they mainly taste like Cooler Ranch Doritos with a hint of tomato. You may want to try these for yourself but in my opinion, Doritos makes tastier flavors. Spicy Nacho anyone?

Floyd gives Pizza Supreme Doritos 6 pepperonis out of 10.